Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The True Face of BP

After reading about how BP aided terrorism. And how its' recklessness spread evil tentacles around the coast. And how BP created the Iraq war...
And how BP led to the creation of the axis of evil.

I thought I'd do some of my own research into BP's evil, to see what other shenanigans they've been up to. So I spent recent weeks comb statements and interviewing literally dozens of people in an attempt to get to the bottom of just how evil BP is, and what other pies they have their hands in. Many people were unwilling to talk to me at all. Others seemed visibly scared and denied everything. Eventually I found a few hardy souls, willing to be quoted on the record, as long as they remain anonymous, as they fear reprisals by BP hit squads (known as the slickest operators in the business).

My first brave source seems to imply the hand of BP behind local UK events

Well. I was waiting for the bus outside Durham prison a couple of weeks ago when I saw a slightly shifty man with curly hair hanging around the gates. It appeared a prisoner was released, and the waiting man hurried over to him. I heard a rather loud whispered conversation involving the words "policeman", "Girlfriend". Then the waiting man handed the Ex-prisoner a long package.

It was only when I saw the news later that I recognised the prisoner as Raoul Moat. And while watching another segment realised the waiting man was actually Tony Hayward - The BP chief executive. There is no doubt in my mind that BP viciously caused these shootings, probably to increase the amount of petrol used by the police during the massive manhunt.

It seems BP have been active internationally too, and have attempted to influence international air travel. I have no idea as to the reasons.....

A few months ago, I was on a long strictly business trip to Iceland, when I had a free weekend, and decided to go camping halfway up the side of a mountain. At the time I did not know it was a volcano.
We were woken in the middle of the night by the sound of a helicopter. My secretary poked her head out of the tent and said there was a helicopter flying over the top of the mountain, and dropping things into it. I took a look, and read the words "beyond petroleum" on the side.

Later when I got home, I saw the volcano Eyehavealolkill (sic.) erupted, causing travel chaos across northern Europe. I knew BP had caused it. For what nefarious purpose, I have no idea.

The last source willing to talk was a professor I have been talking to on and off for years. he had just returned from an expedition to the holy land, and wanted to share his findings with us.... I have cunningly changed the name of the university he works at in order to respect his anonymity......

Hello. I am the emeritus professor of antiquities and archaeology at the University of West Anglia. A recent find in the middle east has been brought to my attention. Digging in the old city in Jerusalem has uncovered new papyrus claiming to be the original book of genesis. In all aspects it is the same as the well known first book of the bible, however it has an addition of two versus in the story of eden, which I will relate to you.Gen.3
[1]Now the serpent was more subtle than any other wild creature that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God say, `You shall not eat of any tree of the garden'?"

[2] And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden;
[3] but God said, `You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'"
[4] But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not die.
[5] For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
[6] Which the serpent followed with "And if you shall eat this fruit, you shall be rewarded with stock options, in the company of BP"
[7] "Furthermore, you shall have a place on the BP board in perpetuity, and the profits ye shall reap will be huge. yeah more massive than the greatest tree in this eden"

[8] So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, and he ate.

Authenticity of this document is still unclear, but it seems to imply the reach of BP's evil is greater than previously supposed.

Disclaimer. The article above is intended to be (vaguely) humorous and is entirely fictional. This does not detract from the fact the BP oil spill and explosion is an absolute tragedy, both anenvironmental tragedy and a very human one. The aim of the humour in this post is the hysterical over-reaction to BP in particular since this incident. While I hold no candle at all for BP, I hate hysterical media overreaction.
Disclaimer 2: The other incidents described in this post are only referred to in passing, and in a satirical fashion. Please do not be offended by their inclusion.

also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt617zYAbng...feature=related

1 comment:

עידן מלמד said...

Where's the like button here?